Again, there’s not much I can add to what everyone else has said regarding writing tips/publishing tips. It’s kinda bizarre to me that I – the guy who believes no one can teach you how to write, you’ve got to learn yourself – keeps giving writing advice. But there it is. So I’m just gonna throw out there some weird things that sometimes help me and might help or harm you. My philosophy of writing. Since you have to learn how to write yourself, this is just an exercise in bloggery.

1. Write the story that you would want to read. Why even put pen to paper if you’re not excited by your own story? This seems a no brainer but there are authors out there who write what they think they should be writing instead of what they want to write. Seriously. If you like fantasy, but you think – because you went to Yale or Harvard – that you should be writing some high-faluting literary fiction? Shit, you’re probably the smartest idiot I know.

2. Include the bizarre, the strange, the out of place. It never hurts to combine something mundane with something absurd. There’s a magic to the absurd.

3. Read non-fiction. It’s chock full of great writing, interesting people and facts. Non-fiction is awesome and full of ideas.

4. Go to college. Okay, I don’t want to start a big kerfuffle about if you can or can’t write well with or without a college degree. Of course, you don’t need a college degree (or even a high-school diploma) to be an amazing writer. Okay? Not saying that. However, becoming a writer is HARD. And you’ll need a job until you get the Nobel Prize for Fiction. College graduates make more money than high-school graduates, on average. Plus, when you’re in college, you learn about all sorts of stuff that will then inform your writing. Stuff like biology, history, chemistry, anatomy. You’ll also take classes on English language, its usage and grammar. That comes in handy, honestly. College is kinda win-win. Do you need it to be a writer? Absolutely not. But it doesn’t hurt any either.

5. If there’s not human emotion, you’re not doing your job right. Listen, this is also a no brainer but some people seem to miss it. The most interesting thing to the human eye is another human face. We read for a lot of reasons, to learn, to escape, to be enlightened. But mostly to be touched. Readers want to be emotionally moved. If you haven’t considered the human heart and its conflicts in your work, you need to start thinking about it.

6. Have patience. Man, this is the hardest thing for me. I’m putting it down here to remind myself. Publishing moves glacially. But it moves that way for a reason and I have two specific, concrete examples from my career. First, when Southern Gods was originally accepted by a very small press – not Night Shade – I was happy and then landed my agent months later. I had been pestering the small press to get me the contract so we could move ahead. So when my agent came along and then the small press sent the contract, she had the sagacity to tell me to turn it down. “You can do better, plus they want ebook rights and are giving a terrible royalty rate.” That’s what the lady said. Had this publisher been moving faster than a glacier, I might be in a different position.

The second incident occurred quite recently. But I can’t tell you about it right now. Ask later and I will tell all.

7. Be nice to people. I have a hard time with this one, too. I can get onery. People annoy me, I get angry, say things that – while I believe them and think they are true – aren’t the most politic. And because I’m angry, I’ll bust loose in a public forum, like teh twitters or a blog. Nothing good has ever come of me typing while angry. I’ve made this mistake so you don’t have to. Seriously.

Conversely, people say that anything posted on the Internet lasts forever. I don’t understand this phrase and while it might be true I say screw going through your whole life watching everything that you say. I love people who just put it all out there. DRAGON PORN! That’s right.

8. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Yes you are a writer. Yes it’s the hardest thing in the world to do, and do well. Yes writing a novel is like opening a vein onto a page. Yes, your deathless prose will live on forever (if on the Internet). Still, next time you see Jonathan Franzen or Amy Tan, look at their picture and then imagine them sitting on a toilet, taking a shit. Seriously. Picture them taking a dump. Life ain’t always gunfights and snappy dialogue. FUNYUNS!

9. Don’t fool yourself – you can’t learn to write well on Dan Simmons’ ON WRITING WELL forum. Or any author’s forum, really. You can’t. It’s pointless. No one can teach you how to be a novelist. The way to teach yourself to write a novel is to write one. Seriously. Why are you even reading this? You should be reading a book or at your desk writing. (I am, however, glad you are here. You. No, not you. YOU.)

10. There’s nothing wrong with big words. Use them freely. Just don’t use them incorrectly or put them in a character’s mouth who wouldn’t say them – that includes a narrator. And that narrator might be you.

11. You have to want it. Fuck yeah you do. Bad. Bad enough to kill. Put your whole heart into it. Cry about it. Get mad. Hump it. Whatever. Just don’t fucking half-step. My god, I hate mamby-pamby half-steppers.